The rantings of an angered Kong

Home Archived Opinion The rantings of an angered Kong

Ricky Di

Published: November 22, 2006

For years my superiors have put me down, assuming that just because I’m 7 feet tall and covered in fur that I must be an oaf as well.  This tie isn’t just for decoration, you know.

Respect is a luxury, and one that I’ve been without for over two decades now.

Do they not remember that I was the first?  That I came before all other “superstars?”

And after all these years of silence, all these years of playing the clown, what is my reward?  “Donkey Konga” and a few guest spots in Mario’s array of titles.

Bah!  Mario. I remember when he was nothing – just a lowly carpenter trying to catch a break in the video game industry.  You know, I’m the one who loaned him the medical school tuition.but you never hear about that one, now do you?

I never even wanted to get into this industry.  I’m a classically trained thespian.  This was just supposed to be a temporary job until I could make it onto Broadway, but the evils of typecasting have condemned me to a lifetime as the bumbling banana-crazed buffoon that everyone knows me for.

I don’t even like bananas.  Seriously, have you ever seen me eat a banana?

I’m pretty sure the only person in this industry less respected than me is Toad.  Poor kid, stuck by Peach’s side all these years and how do they repay him?  “Wario’s Woods.”  And who’s going to remember that 10 years from now?

At least they had the good will to give me my own spot in the Super Smash Bros. series.all they gave Toad was a cameo, and I don’t even want to know where the princess keeps pulling him out of.

It’s a shame the way they treat him, and I sympathize whole-heartedly.

And now with the dawn of the next-generation just around the corner, I’m sure to be stuck in the shadows once more.

Ah, the next-generation; supposedly it will “change the face of gaming forever.”  Excuse me for being a skeptic.

Have you seen how they’re marketing these new machines?  The prices alone are astounding.  What are worse, however, are the commercials.

Nintendo’s idea to employ models to push for the Wii is far below the standards the company was founded on.  Honestly, what professional model would play a video game?  More importantly, what professional model has the mental capacities to play a video game?

At least they didn’t take Sony’s approach.  The new PS3 commercials are enough to haunt one’s subconscious for weeks.  I have nightmares now thanks to that “baby” one; not to mention I’ve developed a strange phobia of dolls.

With all that’s going on in my career now, or more accurately, what’s not going on in my career, I might reconsider Microsoft’s offer to cross over.  It seems to have worked out well for Joanna.

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