Halloween is the perfect time to watch some horror flicks. However, let’s bring in the movies that you should not watch, but not because they are scary. Oh no, because they are just horrible to watch. Watch these at your leisure because these are terrible.
Number 10: “Carrie” (2013)
This one holds a special place in my heart. This is a remake of the 1976 movie with the same title. Based on Stephen King’s horror novel, “Carrie” is iconic. This remake had pretty big shoes to fill upon it being teased. However, it was obvious what the real intention of this movie was.
The story focuses on a young, troubled girl named Carrie. She is bullied constantly in school and has a very religious mother who locks her in a closet for doing something bad.
One day, Carrie realizes that she has psychic abilities. This all comes into play when the bullies pull the final prank that unleashes Carrie upon everyone. She seeks out the comfort of her mother, who ends up trying to kill her due to the guilt of conceiving Carrie through her drunken father. Her mother gets crucified by kitchen utensils, and Carrie loses control of her powers, causing the house to burn and crumble on top of her.
The problem I have with this remake is the fact that there was nothing different other than it being modernized. Even then, it was bad because the direction of the cast just seems too Hollywood-esque. Nothing against the actress Moretz who played Carrie, but she just does not present the physical persona of a vulnerable outcast.
The remake just isn’t worth it. The characters are just updated and the effects are more refined.
Number 9: “The Happening” (2008)
“The Happening” is about a science teacher (Mark Wahlberg) caught up in a deadly mystery. Something biological was causing people to carelessly take their own lives. It is up to him to solve this mystery.
Sadly, he did, and the reason for it is very disappointing.
The population is being attacked by the Earth’s plants. Apparently, they are able to send toxins into the air to affect the destructive humans, protecting themselves.
I did get a chuckle out of Wahlberg talking to a plant. I was not amused, just because I was hoping for something more than just plants sending toxins. It was not worth the watch at that point. The only redeeming quality it had was that Wahlberg was in it.
Number 8: “The Amityville Haunting” (2011)
Let’s talk about the “Paranormal Activity” movies.. I never understood the series. However, this movie is a terrible clone of the “Paranormal Activity” franchise.
The story takes place in the suburbs with this one house that is haunted. For some reason, it follows a family with three children who seem particularly indifferent to the horror that goes on around them. The father goes into overly dramatic combat flashbacks from all of this. The theatrics performed are just so over the top, so much so that I find myself turning the volume up and down at night because I don’t want to wake up people in my house.
I knew I should have turned this off when the son talks to the camera and nonchalantly says that the realtor died of an aneurysm. The acting was all over the place with so many things happening.
Number 7: “Jack-O” (1995)
I give my excuse to the poor effects because it was in the 90’s, but it was totally the effects you would see in a budget film. However, that does not excuse the acting.
This is a cliched horror flick with a monster sealed away. A bunch of teenagers come over and release the Pumpkin-headed monster, and he starts killing people–except for one girl who slips and drives a knife into a toaster and gets electrocuted.
There was also a scene where a kid was getting buried alive. The Jack-O was using a sickle to move the dirt over the kid, and you could tell how ineffective it looked. The kid shouted, “No!” but it was so lacking in panic that it was terribly monotone. It almost came off as sarcastic.
Out of all the deaths, I did get a kick out of that woman dying of electrocution.
Number 6: “Creepshow 3” (2006)
This film has nothing to do with the two installments made by George Romero and Stephen King. Thank God, because this film would tarnish their careers.
This horror movie had a bunch of tales going on at once and seemed to be a battle royale of who is worse.
There is one tale of a homeless ghost that stalks a doctor for giving him a sandwich that he choked from. In my opinion, the homeless guy had no reason to stalk this man. It wasn’t his fault that he cannot chew his food correctly. Not only that, there was a crowd of people watching this man choke. If anything, the guy needs to stalk all the bystanders, not the good Samaritan.
On the other side, there is a man being seduced by a radio and goes out killing people because of it.
The third tale is a woman stuck under the mercy of a paranormal remote that has the ability to change reality. You think it would be scary, but no, it is just grotesque. The remote made this young girl turn into a hideous pile of flesh, which killed my appetite for pizza, and you do not do that!
Number 5: “Savage Planet” (2007)
This has nothing to do with the educational film, which was also a disaster. No, this was made by the sci-fi people.
“Savage Planet” follows a crew of space people who go to Planet Oxygen, looking for a resource that would save the Earth.
Red flag number one.
What was wrong with the Earth was not explained. However, this planet is inhabited by a force that wants to kill these explorers. You would think it would be CGI monsters or something, right?
It is much worse.
They are being hunted down by bears.
No, they are not special in any way. These are bears that you will find in the forest and this planet is full of them. I believe in a world of space travel being possible, but you cannot tell me that bears are an issue. Oh, and they used actual footage of bears.
Look, I know not to mess with Mother Nature, but bears are the least scariest thing that comes to mind when exploring a new planet. This has a shaky reputation among critics, similar to the camera work when capturing footage of action shots. The scenes where they add the effect of a shaky camera is obnoxious.
Number 4: “The Ouija Experiment 2: Theatre of Death” (2017)
This is about a ghost in a theatre that locks the theatre in order to kill a group of people. However, this ghost is just strange to me.
“The Ouija Experiment 2” tries to establish a lore about this ghost, but then it is retconned for convenience.
The ghost has a dad/uncle that murders people to give the ghost what it wants–human flesh. However, there are times when the ghost sucks people into some sort of dimension or when the ghost just straight up murders people. Another time, someone needs certain camera glasses to see the ghost; at other times, the characters can see it with the naked eye. This is probably the worst thing about this ghost. Keep in mind that this ghost is already dead.
Did you know ghosts can die?
Apparently, this ghost can be stabbed and killed.
I was confused, and I did not know what to think when I saw this. Something that is already dead and has the ability that no other human can do can die from getting stabbed by a regular knife.
Number 3: “#Horror” (2015)
“#Horror” is about six very privileged girls around age twelve who are having a sleepover at a mansion. They go off and start cyberbullying each other, which eventually leads to the girls getting killed off.
I found it strange since they are seriously cyberbullying each other in person, which kind of defeats the purpose of cyberbullying.
For a good portion of the movie, you are just listening to the girls bicker up until the last ten minutes of the film when the killings begin. Not only that, but all this killing is being recorded on a livestream.
Then there are these weird cuts that make it look like a phone and pop up on the screen which ends up blocking your view. What’s more, the movie does not know how to use a hashtag right. You only need one hashtag, not two. How do you use a hashtag in the movie but do not know how they work?
There’s also an unintentionally funny scene where the father comes in to interrogate the girls for harassing his daughter. He threatens to press charges while at the same time slapping each of them in their faces and threatening them with a knife.
The best father in a film goes to him.
Number 2: “The Open House”(2018)
Probably the worst flick, just shy of the number 1 spot. “The Open House” follows a mother and her teenage son to a vacation home right after the tragedy of losing the father/husband.
The whole point is to figure out who the killer is in their home. The whole thing is uneventful and lacked imagination.
Even in the end, it leads to nothing.
Apparently, it is alluded that the killer is just some random guy who just loves killing people, which makes no sense because this guy was playing mind games with these characters, so much so that you would think the killer had some kind of relationship with them.
For example, the killer plays the same song that Logan remembers when his father died. How would the killer know that, if he is just a random guy? There are also gaps in logic when the mother answers the phone and hears herself echo on the other line. It does not take a genius to understand that if you hear yourself echoing on a house phone that there is somebody using your phone. She brushes it off like it is nothing and goes to sit down with her son.
You never see the killer’s face–the only thing you see is that they have a neck.
However, this movie did have me guessing for a good part of the story. It just hit the hardest belly flop that anyone can hear for miles and wince at it.
Number 1: “Porkchop” (2010)
This movie is the most awful thing to exist. This was supposedly a tribute to 80s slasher movies. The flick involves the cliche of teenagers going to a campsite where they aren’t supposed to because there is a deranged maniac over there. Despite the warnings, they go out there and bring a robot along.
I’m not joking.
There is a robot.
It’s the kind that you would expect a young kid to make compared to the technology we have now.
However, this is set in the late 80s, so I give the robot an excuse for looking like garbage.
First problem I have is how inconsistent the lighting is. One moment it is like daylight for one scene, then it cuts to dark when it focuses on another section of the story. There’s also a sound problem. I heard some sort of machine sound in the background when watching it. Sometimes there’s no sound at all to set a tone.
The deaths were just so awful.
One character tries to get away from the killer by running up a tree. However the killer took his chainsaw and drove it up this woman’s womanhood. Instead of moving out the way, she just stood there bobbing up and down on it while she bled.
For some reason, the robot seduces another female character into having sex with it. The way it was done was that she took off her shirt, kept her pants, and proceeded to dry hump the robot. I wish I was lying about this. The robot is doing this just out of spite. As it claims, he was trying to be superior over its creator who is also a camper.
This movie is based around panic horror in contrast of the more subtle approach that most killers take.
The robot dies too, I guess? The killer just runs over and kicks him apart–that was it.
Another guy dies by the killer beating him up and driving a stake through his hand. Once pinned down, he played croquet and hit the ball into the guy’s eye, which made no sense because it was not hit at velocity to drive into the skull.